Melbourne

How Melbourne sees MelbourneThe reality

Flying into Melbourne on a good day, there are enough breaks in the clouds to see Port Phillip Bay, around which, the city grew.  With a water temperature that rarely makes it above 19C it is best not swim in there without neoprene protection, unless you are from Scotland or need some ice water muscle rehab.

This flat, grid based city on a dirty brown river that supposedly runs upside down, has no outstanding structure visible that the world would instantly recognise as “Melbawn”.  It is a dead ringer for any other city that has tall buildings and commuters.  A fantasy many of the locals have, is that Melbourne is Australia’s most European city. How they have come to this conclusion is unfathomable.

Kinder interstate travelers will often say “at least you don’t need a passport to visit” and “you can get a good cup of coffee there” which is praise indeed for a city of over 3 million people … they have coffee. The weather certainly won’t impress.  The legendary four changes of season in a day (if you’re lucky) keeps the locals on their toes, as they need at least three clothing changes at all times and usually all black in this faux Paris.

Summer is a whole three weeks when the winds move around from the usual chilly damp Antarctic blast to the roasting northern desert winds. It is like opening an oven door in an ice rink.  After ten minutes, everything is so dry, it is now a time of high bush fire alert with life in peril.  Do not expect palm trees and sunshine, most of the year is cold, only the temperate Canary palm can survive the icy blasting that is great for clearing a hangover, but the weather may have been the reason for resorting to alcohol the previous night. The sharp freezing winds are probably the reason Australians from northern states refer to Melbourne as “bleak city” and why locals, nearing the end of their lives, dream of traveling north in a caravan toward warm weather.  After all, any means that can get them out of the place before they die, will do.

The continual background hum you will hear originates from copious banal conversations about “footy” or AFL. Here everyone worships AFL, a quaint coloqial sport that has become a doomsday cult, with the end of the world predicted to arrive in the shape of a round soccer ball. AFL has masticised into Melbourne, it oozes from every brick and pore of the city, it watches you. AFL invades every conversation, talking recipes? AFL will get in there well before the fan forced oven temperature recommendation. If you do not convert, you will be shunned at work from the Monday morning footy results chatter, all the way through to the Friday afternoon footy tipping predictions and all the mindless AFL banter between. You also risk being run out of town.  The only escape is moving across running water, the Murray will suffice but the Tweed will be safer. If you have been brought up inside the cult, you will be blind and continue to worship at the large ugly concrete bunker that is the MCG, but to outsiders the cult is a freakish marriage of sport and religion.

All is not bad, crime is very organised and active. As a city of tradition, crime is kept in family structures but they are mostly bungling and inept just like all their good friends in the police force. Melbourne is a multicultural city and boasts gangs whose origins are from all over the globe and show remarkable inclusive tendencies by picking victims from all backgrounds and religions.

Melbourne is extremely traditional and hierarchical, don’t you dare stir the pot, locals like it as it is and how it has always been. Happily living the same year over and over again. Living there more than a year is a waste of time. Grand Final, Spring Racing Carnival and Bush Fire Alerts all scheduled with the same news items with the same scripts each year, the writers of “Ground Hog Day” must have been to Melbourne. It is the 1950s with internet.

Tourism bosses needing to show a fascinating city previously chose to advertise Melbourne as having a giant ball of string, I cannot imagine the disappointment when visitors found there was no ball of string.
      Kicker

  1. I spent 2 weeks in Melbourne it was a hole, I would have even flown Tiger to get out.

  2. Here’s a tip for visiting Melbourne – don’t let the locals know there are other places outside Victoria they think that Melbourne is the centre of the unviverse and all human kind love AFL. I never had a summer there in the 7 years I lived there, just the occasional very hot day. Melbournians are so up themselves they can see out of their mouths. The only good thing about the place is there are no security fences to stop you escaping north.

  3. Melbourne is a sulking teenager jealous of its older and more attractive sibling, Sydney. All that sulking make it an even more horrible place than it is. Get over yourself Melbourne, you’re not number one and I don’t think you are even number two anymore.

  4. I visited Melbourne once. It was a nice city. I liked the trams especially. One could perhaps even tolerate living there if the weather didn’t completely suck. How the three million Melbournians manage it, I’ll never know.

  5. have you ever seen a newspaper in Melbourne? ‘Insert AFL team here’ front, back and sport section. The sports section on the tv news is AFL then an add then a general sports wrap up of other sports. I guess with a city accomodating multiple AFL teams you get a wide range of fans – toothless, mullet, beer gut bogans (Collingwood) to the snobs. AFL final is at the G – you sign up now, you may have a membership in 40 or 50 years!

  6. from http://jaccerz.com ….”I really hate Melbourne. I used to love it, but now I hate it. After working two jobs in the city, I have realised that the people of Melbourne are oppurtunists. For example:

    Trams and Trains: It doesnt matter if you get on a packed train at the first stop, and by halfway through the ride, it is emptied due to people changing to go to another line, and as you move to sit down, someone who just gone on, pushes you out of the way so they can sit down on the seat you were heading for.

    Shopping: Many times Ive stood inline to buy whatever I wanted at the time, to have snotty girls dressed like they should be working at hooters to push in infront of me and to take longer to pay due to their phone coversation. Typically this consists of “ohhhhhh my godddddd” and other shit that I couldnt really give two hoots about.

    There are many other examples, to me it makes me question Is Melbourne really the most liveable city?”

  7. Melburnians seem to think everyone else is inferior and are very ‘clicky’ and even ‘snobby’.

  8. Trams are great until one breaks down then none can move

  9. FromScratchToGlory

    % Things I hate about Melbourne:
    1) Melbourne weather :- the most unpredictable of all. Amazing windy mornings…one can go out with out jacket, it’ll be around 12*c..Then in the afternoon out of know where a drizzle followed by cloudy skies. When its around 6pm, a biting cold weather fills the air, taking effect from top to bottom .
    2) Tram ticket Checkers:- If there was a community of people who are painful while they are at work, then they are these folks. They check even at 11.30pm, and put a fine on a person who couldn’t buy a ticket in the first instance. Hawk eyed, and for international sudents like me these dudes create the first instance of facing melbournians.
    3) TV Channels – If in any country where TV programs are called crap. Then aus should be also in that list. If one cannot subscribe a 60$ ~ cable TV..be prepared to settle for utter crap.
    4) No burning activity :- No lallu prasad yadav or goerge bush in action. Its a silent and well structured place.
    5) Food – Even with many asian food courts, i feel the food is not so good. For a vegetarian it is very much limited. For non vegetarians chicken is the only thing which is almost always in the menu.

  10. Melbourne has declared itself “sporting capital of the world.” Let me tell you all, Melbourne has ZERO power and ZERO influence in the sporting world.
    None of the world’s sporting bodies eg. FIFA, IOC, ICC, IAAF, IRB, CGF, PGA etc.. have their headquarters in Melbourne. None of the big decisions and changes that occur …in the sports world are made in Melbourne.
    Melbourne does NOT call the shots in the sporting world.
    Sporting capital, my arse…….

    • It’s the sporting capital because it hosts the Australian Open, F1, TT bikes, AFL grand final, top NRL team, majority of AFL teams and every year hosts a world class soccer tournament. No other city plays host to that many top sport events.

      • The WORLD… sporting capital of the WORLD. You probably need to get out more if you think Melbourne has anywhere near as many world class sporting events as dozens of cities in the US and hundreds of other cities worldwide, then you’re the epitome of what is wrong with Melbourne.

      • NicerUpNorth

        Australian Open is a grand slam event but there are 3 others and Melbourne is the smallest. F1 – not really sport but there are 19 other events anually and Melbourne is the smallest. AFL doesn’t count at all as it is a quaint local sport for southern parts of Australia with no interest any where else. NRL sort of the same but for QLD and NSW does have a bigger TV audience though. World Class soccer tournament??? Australia has never had one. I suggest a trip to the opticians to cure your Melbourne Myopia.
        Sporting capital my arse.

  11. There is no train link from Melbourne to the airport, if you hire a car you will have to pay tolls, if you take the bus it is expensive and takes you nowhere near where you need to go and if you use a taxi remember to have a smart phone on babelfish. This is all because Melbourne does not want you there, it only wants those who can be picked up from the airport, themselves.

  12. Whenever I go to Melbourne, people there always go out of their way to say something negative about Sydney…they obsess about it. They say we in Sydney think we are so much better and always want to one up poor Melbourne..the real truth is people in Sydney see Malbin’ as just another Australian city where people talk funny (like Adelaide) and play a stupid footy game. Thats it…we don’t obsess about you…we just ignore you. Get over yourselves.

  13. Just back from there. Hoon capital of Australia, trains dangerous and covered in graffiti, ditto the stations. Some shops closed down, cold and miserable weather, it must have taken some dining out to get that guernsey

  14. Melbourne? Horrible, grey, dirty, depressing little town.

  15. Most livable city? the most livable city for criminals, you need to kill at least 3 persons to get life sentence, first 2 murders only get 10 years jail. Also good for being lazy, you don’t need to work to get government handouts. Finally the most livable is public transport, government spent 3.6billion dollars, 7 years could not get the bloody ticket system going, you can ride free.

    • I came here years ago, to play music and what a mistake
      that was..
      The amount of ego maniacs here I have seen I was
      gob smacked, at open mikes etc, it made me want to vomit.

      Comparison states..
      I have been all around Australia and liked
      Darwin, Perth (rocked) Queensland up north, like Cairns is awesome!

      Adelaide is great if you like it more quiet and it’s safer.
      The amount of violence I ve seen here over the last few years is appalling.

      The night life..
      I have seen girls fighting like
      wild cats in Richmond inside a cab,
      where the inside of the door seal was
      ripped off and strewn on the pavement
      amongst high heels, broken makeup and
      other bits of clothing.

      I have seen mass brawls in the city in one night club, where there were numerous
      amount of police panel vans and security
      cars deployed in Melbourne one night
      few years ago..
      I had also seen mass
      brawls in St Kilda and also a friend of mine was put in hospital by a thug..

      Beaches…
      What can I say here, St Kilda really, Melbourne has the most ugliest beaches, not
      just in Australia, but the whole planet unless
      you drive hours away, and I wish someone
      would take a crowbar to those horrible, over priced bathing
      boxes pull em apart and have a huge bonfire on a cold winters night!!

      The city…
      The city is ugly going over the Westgate
      and traffic is always bottle necked on most roads.
      The city itself is ugly and cold, it reminds
      me of Gotham City with the buildings
      and apartments rising like a cancer.

      Infrastructure…
      Public transport is almost below average
      in performance for a large city..
      We all know about over crowding on trams, trains and buses, which is very similar to third world conditions, this is no exaggeration, these, are facts..
      So much money wasted in prettying up Southern Cross which could of been pumped
      into an already over strained system..

      Housing…

      The terrace houses are so ugly.
      I would like to drive a huge bull dozer
      like the one in “Avatar” and demolish
      the whole lot of them!!
      This feeble attempt at architecture
      of the most horrid kind is on par
      with this damn housing affordability crises!!

      My experience here..
      From my detailed observation from living in Melbourne, it ain’t the most liveable city by
      far, and what a load if old cobblers!!!
      I have a name for this place and its
      nickname is “psycho city”…
      Sorry, but this is a fact, as I have never
      seen so many angry people living in cohesion
      with one another, maybe it’s the city
      itself with all its corruption and multinationals company cash cows, drug dealers, corrupt government services or an ever increasing narcissistic culture, most vile, feeding coal in the mouth of this big hungry beast we call, Melbourne…

      • I love you! =P…I thought I was getting crazy here!…I can’t wait to go back to Perth.

  16. Melbourne sucks – I know, because I live here.

    • I’m a Canadian living in Melbourne (unfortunately) and I can assure you that compared to Canadian cities Melbourne is indeed an extremely drab, dreary, run down, dirty brown dump of a city. Truly an depressing place.

  17. Melbourne seems to be built around bogans watching sport and getting drunk. My foreign friends are shocked when they come here, the city is pretty much dead by 6pm, remaining activities are largely limited to drinking alcohol, McDonalds or going home at 7pm because there’s nothing to in the CBD.

    • I’ve been in Melbourne for 2 years… and I’m going nuts!!!!!!!!!!! I hate it. It’s an ugly place that they’ve tried desperately to dress up. I love the markets, but, that’s about it. Unfortunately, they really aren’t worth living here for. I’ve lived in 4 different places since I’ve been here and I can’t do it anymore. I grew up in Sydney, and it does suck. But, at least the weather is good and it’s easy to find somewhere pretty to relax and unwind, or at least live!!!

      I’m so over living in Melbourne. It’s really not a nice place to live.

      I’m out of here when my lease is up. Ewww, I hate it. I’m glad it’s not just me. I felt like I might be mentally unwell, but, I think it’s actually that this place is massively awful. I can’t wait to move.

  18. – Worst Public transport ( Crappy Trains and useless Myki)
    – Violent friday nights in the city
    – Nasty road work and traffic in the city
    – Crappy Airport

  19. I did “live” and I mean “live” there last year! It’s a hole! The only reason so many people attend an AFL game is because there is NOTHING else to do down there! It’s a flat waste land.

    I love the way you think you’re a cosmopolitan city but seriously you’re a big country town with some class divide between the haves and the have nots!

    I thought the whole Sydney v Melbourne things was a myth until I lived there! We don’t care about Melbourne!

    Your alcohol is a rip off because you’re want to be European – in a laneway IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER! And your claim to fame as far as food goes is “Parma and a pot”! And let’s not start of the weather …. the floods in the middle of the city … and the dirty brown swamp that runs through it.

    The reason you’ve voted yourselves No. 1 is testament to the fact that there really is nothing else to do down there!!

  20. I have lived in Melbourne, Sydney, Perth, Tokyo, London, Singapore and Munich. The shortest continuous time I have spent in any of them is ten months. The only one I wouldn’t live in again is Melbourne.
    Why? My feeling is that the benefit of being in Australia is in the weather and the beaches. Melbourne doesn’t have that. For food, transport, shopping and culture (unless you are a complete ignoramus) there is simply no Australian city that is even at the starting line – including Melbourne.

  21. 1) This chip on many Melbourne shoulders about Sydney… sorry peeps, get over it. Sydney is the bigger, more prominent city. Who cares? Melbourne is not attractive compared to Sydney, no “real” beaches (c’mon, Port Phillip bay does not count!) no bridge… again, who cares?
    2) “Who do you barrack for”? The first thing anyone I met for two years said to me… wtf?
    3) Level crossings – the only thing I genuinely hate about Melbourne. How on earth have you people managed to get to the year 2011 (nearly 12) and still have hundreds of level crossings?
    I think when the plane landed, bringing me to Melbourne, the pilot announced – “welcome to Melbourne, it’s raining and 6 degrees, please set your watches back 30 years”.

  22. AFL isn’t footy, it isn’t even a sport, it’s just shit

  23. Considering how cold it is the houses have little insulation and rarely have adequate heating, you will need jumoers aplenty even in summer. Deluded and Inappropriate building codes for such a temperate climate.

  24. On a recent trip to Melbourne one of the things that sticks in my mind is sitting at a tram stop at the Vic markets with my two young children watching a man that certainly appeared to be, shall we say “socially and financially disadvantaged” and clearly very drunk, laying on the opposite tram stop bench, vomiting periodically onto the ground.

  25. DriveByHeckler

    AFL in Melbourne certainly is a freakish mix of sport and religion but worse. Enrolling unborn children into AFL club memberships is embryonic indoctrination and far beyond the antics of any evil religion. AFL is a Southern State cult and like all groups of insular like minded wierdos, to be avoided at all costs.

  26. Redeker Plan

    I’m a Melbourne girl, and I’ve had it up to the back teeth with footy and all the shite that goes along with it. It’s not actually the game itself, which on one level I can admire as a brilliant display of athleticism and fitness. It’s the fact that There.Is.No.Escape. Pages and pages in the newspaper. News bulletins start with the main footy news of the day and then briefly move on to war, plague, famine, politics for 10 minutes and then Look! The sports segment! More footy! Gossip about who pissed on the dancefloor of which nightclub last weekend! Whose tangerine girlfriend is that and who is she wearing? Gag me with a spoon.

    Still if you think we women have it hard to admit they’re not into footy, pity the poor bloke who hates it. I was lucky enough to find a bloke who’s not into footy (or any other spectator sport). He works in a blue-collar industry and pretty much gets treated like a freak – once the other blokes find out he’s not into it they literally cannot think of anything else to talk about, so awkward silence reigns until another bloke walks in and the conversation starts from scratch. He tried for a while to feign interest but reading about it so he knew what to say did his head in. (from thePunch.com.au)

  27. USA USA USA

    A good general discussion on Sydney and other places is at http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/lifestyle/life/shrimp-on-the-barbie-more-like-the-raw-prawn-for-unsocial-australians-20111025-1mi97.html?comments=203#comments
    Very honest comments popping the ‘Friendly Australia’ Myth

  28. Melbourne is the try-hard crap-hole of Ausralia. It’s full of pretentious arty-farty wannabes and second-rate back-of-house operatives because pay-roll tax is cheaper down there. Melbourne has nothing going for it except a few events that they steal from other cities

  29. Iescapedyoucantoo

    Melbourne was developed in the 19thC on the discovery of gold. This has given the city an historic undercurrent of parvenu snobbery. It persists to this day. Then it became, for about 100 years and until recently, a proud red-banner waving hometown of the labour movement. That gave it a kind of working-class reverse snobbery. Then there were the competing factions of protestantism and catholicism. When I was a child in Melb a billion years ago, a “mixed marriage” was a small, gossipy social scandal of a Catholic marrying a Protestant. Life in Melb was enormously parochial along above mentioned lines, until Sunday trading was introduced in the 1980’s. Then slowly, slowly, the need to go shopping replaced the obligation to attend religious services. Now it is not a case of “get in the car, we’ll be late for church”, but “get in the car, there are cheap SD cards/tennis racquets/xylophones at ALDI”. Once upon a time there was a Premier called Dick Hamer who was a Liberal but advocated and achieved many kinds of solid social improvement: no fault divorce, decriminalisation of homosexuality and abortion and the establishment of the Arts Centre and College of the Arts. Ironically he was also the premier who relaxed the Sunday trading laws. His vision for a ‘cultural capital’ has been surpassed by the need for Victorians to buy cheap garden gnomes at discount retailers. The really big disappointment has been his plan for green wedges and city limits being ignored by subsequent state govts of both colours as they pocket the revenue of stamp duty and cave in to the insidious power of the construction industry unions. This is why the city is SO unmanageably large and the public transport, therefore, utter rubbish. Cars are a big money-spinner for Spring St and PT is a hopeless write off. The message is quite clear: buy a car or go live elsewhere. This is also why the once beautiful country roads and rolling hills of Lysterfield and Rowville are now pimpled and pock-scarred with McMansions. The sheer misery of seeing a once beautiful hinterland bulldozed for poorly thought out housing, by a new world government with a mandate for progress is one of the reasons, amongst others as mentioned earlier, why I will never live there again.

  30. Are you serious? Making an about how much you hate melbourne? How about you make a blog about some real issues in this world like poverty or global warming, rather than writing about how slow a tram is or how much ‘footy talk’ there is.

    • Melbourne is the best place in the world, lived here my whole life and will continue to. I love AFL, Sport, Multiculturalism, cafes, restaurants, bars and the lifestyle. I also like cool changes on a hot day and the change of season.
      If you havent found anything good you are clearly looking in the wrong places. Every city has its ups and downs, for the fastest growing city in Australia, set to become the largest in Australia within the next 25 years, Something must be quite appealing about it.

  31. Melbourne is a smug country town that wishes to reduce everything to its own mediocre dimensions. It hates Sydney because it’s everything Melbourne isn’t exotic colourful good weather good beaches people with a sense of humour . It hates Adelaide because it can and looks out to the world i.e. Tasmania and Antarctica because that’s all it can cope with. It is obsessed with what school you went to so it can pigeon hole people rather than what people can be and hides in the black shroud loved by serious people because it hides ugly bodies. Melbourne will never be no 1 city in Australia it will always be No. 1 cringe Capitol.

  32. Love your depiction of this hideous city! Well done.

  33. Melbourne is ok, I’ve lived there for years – but I agree with pretty much everything that people have said about it in previous entries. Melbourne is “nice” but a little dull, there are laws about everything and people all seem to dress and think the same. The one thing that I really hate about Melbourne is AFL. It is so damn dull and people seem to think that it is totally okay to rave on about if for hours wherever you go. This isn’t restricted to boring ignorant people, it is really widespread. If Melbourne wanted to have a useful law then it should have legislate against talking about AFL for more than one minute a day. That would make it a far better place to live and would encourage its thoroughly decent citizens to think about all the other things that this world has to offer. Well, at least it would make it easier for me to live here.

    Now, if you want to talk about a real shit hole, has anybody ever been to Geelong?

  34. I’m so relieved to find this thread! It’s so depressing here, I’d get the hell out but I’m stuck here for the rest of the year then I’m getting as far away from this city as I can possibly get. Melbournians couldn’t recognise a good thing if it whacked them over their stuck up heads. Most of them have never really travelled, Grampians or Dandenong National Park not included. This I believe might bring these people back to earth. They have a huge chip on their shoulder, nose held up high! I have to deal with these insecure ankle biting, racially discriminative, back stabbing people everyday. No hospitality, absolute tight arses. Can’t stand the place. Be warned don’t think of living here unless you have to.

  35. I struggled with the constant snobbery and need to pigeon-hole people. The concentration of asset ownership amongst the privileged “families” means that every opportunist spends their life sucking up to these moneyed interests. A truly repressive culture reminiscent of something from the mid 20th century.

    Melburnians seem to long for the past and are very unwelcoming of those from other places. Their interests in the most banal details of each others lives just doesnt make sense to me.

    A real shit hole of a place populated by some small minded people.

    • I grew up in Melbourne in the 60s. I’ve lived and worked in it for decades. I’ve lived out of it for over a decade, and now also live part of my life in Europe. The city has changed immeasurably. It was always paraochial, as was much of Australia (Inc Sydney!). What was pleasant has long since been ripped down. As a city it could be anywhere now. It’s not particularly nice to live in. It has a shockingly snobbish set of families who inhabit such dreary institutions as the Melbourne club. They are parochial and small minded. The whole place is based on a trashy display of wealth which they try to pretend is understated. They wear gold signer rings with arms purchased in the 70’s from the college of Arms at huge expense in a vain attempt to to be “gentry”. Most are jumped upreal estate agents from the local expensive schools whose grandfather or great grandfather was a bit of a success at business. The city also has lots of even flashier nouveau riche who also, call themselves “establishment”. The spring carnival is a crass piss up marketed as Royal ascot with drunken “fillies” vomiting at every turn.

  36. This post pretty much describes the entire country, not just Melbourne. (But then all cities in Aust are exactly the same. Sydney is just a slightly bigger version of Melb, and Melb is just a slightly bigger version of Perth).

    The selling point of Australia is the countryside/nature stuff, not the cities. No city here can compare with the giants of New York, London, Hong Kong, etc.

    Also this Melbourne vs Sydney thing seems kinda silly…I mean, you’re both exactly the same. Sydney is slightly bigger and hotter, but that’s about it. Otherwise, this whole “competition” feels like some sort of country bumpkin thing (“MY dirt village is better than yours!”). Only people who are uncultured and have never been out of their state will engage in this sort of rivalry.

  37. You can some up Melbourne in a couple of words “OLD” “BORING” “PREHISTORIC” “DIRTY” “SHIT PLACE TO VISIT”

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  40. Roberto Georgio

    I have been to Melbourne on several occasions for business, and continue to be amazed about all the hype surrounding this sub standard City, I consider it, the end of the road, this is the last place you would want to visit. A dirty, muddy, Yarra river and during winter, the inner City streets, are freezing cold, dirty, windy, dusty, and most without Sunshine, due to the tall buildings and narrow streets.

  41. yeah bro

  42. Over this city

    Can someone please explain to me that no matter where you go in Melbourne – restaurants, shops, parties, taxis etc – the moment its population discovers you are from Sydney, they go out of their way to be rude about where you are from and begin telling you all the reasons why Sydney is so horrible / direct / unfriendly / insert whatever attack you want here.

    After years of putting up with this, I discovered the solution – I just respond ‘Newcastle’ when people ask where I am from. Sure, I was born there, but Sydney has been my home since I was 1. But saying Newcastle silences the Sydney-hating whenever anyone asks.

    By the way, poor Melbourne doesn’t just hate Sydney. They hate Brisbane too, as well as Adelaide and will happily tell you why Canberra is also horrible. Perth, consider yourself lucky you are so far away that they don’t have an opinion. What an angry city with a huge chip on their shoulder about everyone else Melbourne is.

  43. only if I have to

    I dislike MALbawn. Why?

    There’s that sense of ‘superiority of place’ that comes across from so many Melbournians.

    Funny how they seem to know so much about other cities in Australia (I’m from Adelaide). I f you ever mention you’re from Adelaide, you’d be better off saying you have Ebola or AIDS.

    Yet if you ask them if they’ve been there the answer is invariably, “No”. They have not. Or they visited their Aunt Mavis in Adelaide on a rainy day in the winter of 1987. These days I only visit Melbourne if I have to.

  44. Melbourne

    I came here years ago, to play music and what a mistake
    that was..
    The amount of ego maniacs here I have seen I was
    gob smacked, at open mikes, it made me want to vomit.

    Comparison states..
    I have been all around Australia and liked
    Darwin, Perth (rocked) Queensland up north, like Cairns is awesome!

    Adelaide is great if you like it more quiet and it’s safer.
    The amount of violence I ve seen here over the last few years is appalling.

    The night life..
    I have seen girls fighting like
    wild cats in Richmond inside a cab, where the inside of the door seal was
    ripped off and strewn on the pavement
    amongst high heels, broken makeup and
    other bits of clothing.

    I have seen mass brawls in the city in one night club, where there were numerous
    amount of police panel vans and security cars deployed in Melbourne one night
    few years ago..
    I had also seen mass
    brawls in St Kilda and also a friend of mine was put in hospital by a thug here..

    Beaches…
    What can I say here, St Kilda really, Melbourne has the most ugliest beaches, not
    just in Australia, but the whole planet unless you drive hours away and I wish someone
    would take a crowbar to those horrible, over priced bathing
    boxes pull em apart and have a huge bonfire on some beach on a cold winters
    night!!

    The city…
    The city is ugly going over the Westgate
    and traffic is always bottle necked on most roads.
    The city itself is ugly and cold, it reminds
    me of Gotham City with the buildings
    and apartments rising like a cancer.

    Infrastructure…
    Public transport is almost below average
    in performance for a large city..
    We all know about over crowding on trams, trains and buses, which is very similar to third world conditions, this is no exaggeration, these, are facts..
    So much money wasted in prettying up Southern Cross which could of been pumped
    into an already over strained system..

    Housing…

    The terrace houses are so ugly.
    I would like to drive a huge bull dozer
    like the one in “Avatar” and demolish
    the whole lot of them!!
    This feeble attempt at architecture
    of the most horrid kind is on par
    with this damn housing affordability crises!!

    Climate..
    Weather is weather the city can’t
    help that as sea water comes from the arctic
    in winter, and is largely responsible for why it gets so cold here..

    My experience here..
    From my detailed observation from living in Melbourne, it ain’t the most liveable cities by
    far, and what a load if old cobblers!!!
    I have a name for this place and its
    nickname is “psycho city”…
    Sorry, but this is a fact, as I have never
    seen so many angry people living in cohesion
    with one another, maybe it’s the city
    itself with all its corruption and multinational company cash cows, drug dealers, corrupt government services or an ever increasing narcissistic culture, most vile, feeding coal in the mouth of this big hungry beast we call, Melbourne…

  45. Just came back to Melbourne after a few years away, My biggest mistake ever… This city is a whole, Th AFL is king topic what the heck really what a joke of a sport, Grand Final weekend all over so quick,why can they not be like all the other sports who win the league wins the title… Melbourne sports capital of the world, what a joke, The Melbourne cup is nothing compared to Royal Ascot, as is Wimbledon, as is St Andrews golf, as is Monaco grand prix, likewise the 500CC GP in the UK all better events, so really what is Melbourne, but a stinking rotten crime riddled city… I can not wait till get on the Western Freeway and get the heck outta here, this place really isnt European at all, its just a mass of buildings, I was talking with loads of backpackers of late and they all say the same thing, Australia is Sydney, Melbourne is not a tourist or holiday spot…

  46. Fully agree – Melbourne suffers from being the bottom of Australia and so removed from the rest of Australia that locals are comparing the city to Echuka. I was always surprised how many proud Melbournians had not ventured over the Murray. Chocolate box Australia is Sydney Harbour (not the environs) and the Queensland coast.

  47. The worst thing about Melbourne is it’s insular, parochial and annoying inhabitants. The nastiness that comes out of this city directed at the rest of the country ( pretty much every city that isn’t Melbourne) is a real turn off. Sydney of course being the main target of the insecure petty snipes. Obviously Sydney is a world famous global city and Melbourne lives in its shadow.

  48. Just got back from Melbourne. Dirty, poor planning,dull, snooty and smug. They think they are the capital of this and that, just because it makes themselves feel better about living in such a shit hole.A pretty terrible place with dreadful weather and an enormous insecure chip on it’s shoulder.

  49. Born in Melbourne been here my whole life, i am miserable here, the people are rude pigs, full of impatient dangerous drivers, scumbags everywhere and ice addicts, not to mention the public transport is over crowded, the roads are full of potholes, and it is generally not a nice place to live, cant wait to get out of this shithole!!!!

  50. So happy I found this! Was starting to think I was alone in hating this cesspit!
    My main issue with Melbs is the people, one thing that truly shits me about this place is whenever you point out a legitimate flaw with the city, Melbournians immediately slap you with that “most liveable city” crap and get all defensive, isn’t it funny how the people who talk so much shit about other cities get upset when people criticise theirs.
    Plus the people here are soo narrow minded, I’ve stopped telling people that i want to move to interstate one day because all they can do is crap on about how they think everywhere else is below Melbourne, pompous twats.

  51. I don’t like Melbourne I’ve been living here most of my life and its boringness and cold here there are much prettier places in Australia to live in.. That’s just my opinion though many people would disagree

    • * boring

      I also find that overall everyone seems so grumpy but when I visit other states people are warm and friendly. I don’t find Melbourne city at all inspring, and I agree that if your not into afl then you can feel completely left out its like a religion here. I do think there are nice suburbs around bayside and Elwood. But honestly other then that it is a very dull place to be in

  52. I came to Melbourne in 2002. I got married and had kids and have pretty much hated this city since i got here. It would be harsh to say there is nothing to do in melb but, there is nothing GOOD to do. AFL is utter garbage run by corrupt retards, Weather sucks but i could go on about that all day……and as for the shit box that we have to live in for the absolute fortune we have to pay for this place. I dunno about NSW but you have to almost sell your soul to buy property here. Most people are pretentious snobs who would steal your arse and make you sh1t through your ribs. So, for the city that absolutely idolises its criminals, I’m outta here.

    • Totally agree. I moved to Melbourne to work for Target Australia (the retail store) based in Geelong and Melbourne. Target has to be Australia’s worst employer and definitely represents what i hate about Melbourne. Arrogance, cockiness and people that are just generally difficult. The fact the company is going down the toilet is no surprise. If it was run out of another state people would be happier, turnover would be far lower and the business might actually be turn itself around.

  53. Had to come to Melbourne today from The Grampians region to pick up seafood @ Abbotsford 8am then Mud crabs @ Tulla 6pm…
    Aaaarrrggghhhh!
    Remember now why I avoid this prison of filth complete with insane druggy wastoids, foul tempered snob shop girls & demon drivers.
    So grubby, smelly, convoluted, stacked in, no flow, limited go, all for show.
    Oh btw you man bun beard wearing softo, the way of the hipster is down, down, down.
    Adelaide is weird… but at least it has real people, not facsimiles of such. Other Aussie cities are just that.. cities.
    They who exist herein, all hope hath been surrendered by them.
    But Melbourne, it is some piece of work!
    It’s all of Dantes circles in one great, metastatic, huge, pulsating, ever growing lump emanating from the centre of the Ultraworld.
    YUK

  54. I’ve been in Melbourne for 2 years… and I’m going nuts!!!!!!!!!!! I hate it. It’s an ugly place that they’ve tried desperately to dress up. I love the markets, but, that’s about it. Unfortunately, they really aren’t worth living here for. I’ve lived in 4 different places since I’ve been here and I can’t do it anymore. I grew up in Sydney, and it does suck. But, at least the weather is good and it’s easy to find somewhere pretty to relax and unwind, or at least live!!!

    I’m so over living in Melbourne. It’s really not a nice place to live.

    I’m out of here when my lease is up. Ewww, I hate it. I’m glad it’s not just me. I felt like I might be mentally unwell, but, I think it’s actually that this place is massively awful. I can’t wait to move.

  55. I’m from Boston originally and Melbourne reminds me of everything bad in Boston. I’ve met some wonderful people here, but a lot of people are snobby and rude (I especially love the people who hit your shoulder as they walk by). I’m trans, and for what is supposedly the LGBT capital of Australia, I’ve gotten quite a few comments and stares (no not good ones). I actually got less comments in Brisbane and I’ve been told not to go there because the people are “homophobic.”
    The hostel I’m staying in also decided to charge me more money than some of my roommates paying for the same nights. What a city!
    The public transportation is better than in Boston. But that’s like saying the dump I took today is better than the dump I took last night. The trains are what get me. I saw a train start to take off with the door open and the customer service people literally stood there and laughed. Called to complain about it and they still haven’t gotten back to me, so that train is still running. OH also, why doesn’t every train do the city loop? That’s standard in every Australian city I’ve been to besides Melbourne.
    As an American, I feel that I should at least listen to the AFL (I prefer sports on radio because I’m weird) but good luck finding them. Triple M says they air them, but turning on Triple M gives me crappy generic classic rock.
    I’m sure there is more but really the snobbery and the city is obnoxious. I can’t wait to leave.

  56. Confused city

    Melbourne is the industrial manufacturing base of Australia. That’s all it is. Now they have tried to reinvent themselves with a few sporting stadiums and marketing vertical dog boxes in the sky to attract asians with a high growth policy with the downside that congestion abounds. The weather is depressing and unpredictable. If you are a sport fanatic and need to go to a event every weekend then this place my suit you. Aesthetically it is not a beautiful city and is bland with no energy. The buildings are all black and grey just like the weather which makes it not very colourful. On first sight it looks like Chicago with high skyscrapers along a river. On closer inspection there is nothing European about Melbourne contrary to some who believe it has culture, fashion, food etc. it has a view pockets of nice food places with variety but so have other cities and is not unique , but the culture and fashion is a bit of a joke. There is none. Those are try hard comments and not justified. In 10-20 years the city will be majorly overcrowded and the city will suffer as a result. It apparently get’s a number 1 living ranking, however the basics such as a train to the airport do not even exist. They are still using a bus. The airport looks old and derelict. Even Beijing has a prettier airport with high quality train transport to the city. Trains here are 3rd world cattle carriages used by humans. It is rather backwards. The insecurity of the city is reflected by the response to any negative criticism to a local. A confident city will be objective and agree to both good and bad points about their city. Most Melbournians are country bumpkins who mostly have not lived beyond the Victorian border.

    • Country bumpkins? Like fuck.
      We country bumpkins are most outraged by this ill advised comparison.
      Melbournites are just that.
      They don’t leave Melbourne.
      If they ever venture beyond, into the actual hinterlands of Victoria or further , they are forced to realise that the delusional ideas of their own importance and sophistication are very clearly that.
      Delusional.
      Melbourne is a hick town, overrun with fugees, who are conversely the most interesting part of it’s subbacultcha!

  57. Melbourne does a great job at Marketing itself to the world. It is placed on a pedestal as a result. Once people come to Melbourne to live and experience it over time the cracks may start to appear depending on what you came here for in the first place. Many Melbournians have a self inflated perception of their city and are very critical of every other Australian city. This means that they are off course very insecure, hence the heavy marketing required to raise the profile of the city itself. Melbourne you either love or hate it. There is no grey or in between emotion for this city. It all depends on your point of reference and where you come from. If weather or beaches are not your thing and you like a few high rises and willing to learn a funny sport called AFL then it may be place you may actually like. Outside Melbourne in Victoria there are plenty of attractive places to visit. Unless you live within walking distance to the CBD and amenities of this city, you may as well live somewhere else in Australia. The city is bland and industrial with bizarre weather patterns. You need to have a strong immune system to handle massive weather variations per day. There is no stability in weather due to location of this city which is rather unique. The weather could be an attraction by itself where I have not seen a city with similar weather. It is very expensive and overpriced and quality of construction is very poor in workmanship. I’ve lived in houses in Africa that are better quality were weather is similar.

  58. Melbourne is an interesting place to visit for a first time tourist. Beyond that, as soon as you get out of the inner city 3-4km radius of the CBD, and into the suburbs where the vast majority of the population lives, Melbourne is just a vast urban wasteland where not much happens.

    The people and their attitudes are the biggest turn off – the constant boasting and bragging about their shit hole of a city, desperately trying to get the rest of the world to give a shit about them, totally ignorant to the fact that there are far more interesting places in the world to be, only suggests a deeply held insecurity about the fact that they are, after all, Australia’s second big city after Sydney. Which is why they resort to ratting on smaller cities like Adelaide and Perth.

    Oh, and the number of hipster lumberjack beards in that place, I’m sure you could burn them and power Geelong for a year. Get over yourself Melbourne, no one but yourselves gives a shit about you.

  59. cringe capital of Australia.

  60. Interesting city and a mixed bag. If you have lived outside Victoria for some time the chances you will stay long term are slim, but not impossible. If you are born within the state of Victoria you will most likely end up in Melbourne and become brainwashed that this city is the best thing since sliced bread. You will become oblivious to anything outside the state and live in a Victorian bubble and be very critical of everything outside Melbourne as you be me more ignorant the longer you linger around this city.

  61. Denise O'Meara

    No Bill, not all Victorians are as you cruelly describe. I do hate this shit, dull, bleak, nanny/,police state, soulless, cold (even in so called summer), but do not appreciate your comments about the class of morons who live here. Some of us have to live in this hell hole, through no choice of our own

    • Life is choice Denise old stick.
      Get out of Melbourne before you dessicate in the sheer, vast vacuum of hideousness that the liveable city truly is.

  62. There’s something in the fucking water in that stinking shithole town. They all have their heads stuck so far up their racist xenophobic asses it’s god damn fucking unbelievable. Hipster fucking morons, coffee culture snobs, cashed-up snobbish ass clowns, footy meatheaded shitsacks, mafia owns and runs fucking everything… Fuck off!! The city and it’s inhabitants are fucking toxic. The only nice people are from elsewhere originally, maybe Somalia or Eritrea- lovely people, alas, exiled by the amazingly ignorant racist fuckheads that live there, seeing themselves as anything but ignorant racist fuckheads, thinking themselves the center of the fucking universe. Fucking disgusting! City seems nice on the surface at a quick glance but has the worst human beings of any city in Australia and that includes the cemetery known as Adelaide.
    Do not go there. Go literally anywhere else. Baghdad. Aleppo. Medellin.

  63. The worst thing about Melbourne is the people. Other than Kiwis I have never encountered such insecure people who have huge chips on their shoulders just because they live in a city which is overshadowed by Sydney on the world stage. It’s always Melbournians who’ll say how much better it is in Melbourne. Melbourne this, Melbourne that. Sydney has a magnificent harbour that adds to its charm. Melbourne has no natural beauty so tries too hard to emulate a European city.

    • Lived in this miserable dump of a city for years!
      If you move here from interstate be prepared to NEVER make it into the clucky groups of Melbourne. They stick with their friends from the same school, go to the same colleges, wear the same clothes, you live breath and have to listen to AFL all day every day, what’s funny no one outside of Melbourne gives a shit. After a few months here you will start to live in the Melbourne “bubble” you will soon hate on every other city in Australia, in fact the world. You will re live the same events, same crap weather, same “institution” bars/restaurants. The crime is out of control, rapists, gangs, everywhere you look there is crap graffiti and a typical Melbournian will call it “street art”… Good luck renting or even buying a decent home there, a total dump located inner city will sell for $1m. People always look dark and not happy, the other true Melbourne people are old and pretentious, most people suffer from depression, or have severe drug and alcohol problems. The worst city for road rage, everyone is a maniac in their cars! I never rated the food there or their so called “coffee culture”. I have had better coffee in Brisbane and Perth! All of their cafes look the same, always older style bars and toilets and what an entry to the city, flying over a dark miserable farm into an airport that is a total shit hole.

  64. Left Melbourne in 1997 and relocated to the UK. Have visited three times the last time in 2010 not a pleasant city to live in now.

  65. Been in Melbourne for 5 months now… what a friggin shithole, overrun with boat people/refugees. Crazy ass drivers. Very hard to spot an actual True Blue Aussie down here. Came here for work reasons from Queensland, definately made a big mistake, word to the wise, if you’re coming from Queensland and thinking of a change don’t come here, unless you’re an art snob, career criminal or gay. This place must be taking over the gayest place in Australia title. If your a gay, criminal from Iraq and love art you’d do pretty well here, you could probably even run for Mayor of this cesspit.

  66. Just moved back to Sydney after being in this dump since Feb. Jesus it sucks. Boring and ugly as fuck, full of shitty pretentious hipsters who have nothing better to do with their time than sit a cafe talking philosophy or some wankery, while drinking their skinny soy chai single origin fuckin coffee and tying up their man-bun. Oh, the crappy freezing weather and wind so dry it sucks the life out of you. Everyone says it’s the “fashion capital of Australia” – WTF??!! Yeah, if you want to look like a walking, angry-looking corpse. They all wear head to toe black. Sooooo original. Parking inspectors are maniacs, no one can drive and everyone is smug and up-themselves, “oh, we went to the aaaart gallery and the theatrrrreeee”. Ugh. Best view of this dump is on the horizon getting the hell out.

  67. If you live in Melbourne and enjoy the great outdoors, there is simply nowhere to go. It’s a city purely for city people who think fun on a Sunday is a cup of coffee in a dingy street.

  68. Inward looking city requiring a heavy marketing budget to prop themselves up and create an illusion. On the surface it all looks great. Stay a while and look beneath the surface and you see something else. Once you reach this point, run for the hills as fast as you can!!!!

    • I agree, plus I hate the greyness ☹️ Can’t wait to leave I have one more year then I’m out

    • Agree, Melbourne excessively markets itself and it’s events. Horse race season is starting and there will be the regular build up to the overstated “Race that stops the nation”. However, it really only stops Victoria, particularly Melbourne public servants who get the day off, bogans in rented suits and race horse owners. Hardly a complete demographic of the nation.

  69. on wrong track

    Melbourne is a city of greedy top heavy developers who market the city to sell an illusion of high growth and pushes above it’s weight. Only maybe 1%-5% of the population takes part in this greedy behaviour to speculate. Outsiders are attracted initially and make the move and then become disillusioned, when the basics in services and human living deteriorate as the growth is not matched by adequate planning of services. The local government loves the tax payer slaves to pay he high cost of living in the form of taxes. Once greeds set into human behaviour complacency, recklessness, hubris and negligence takes over and this is the point at which it will end badly. The horse has already bolted. The city has some serious challenges and headwinds ahead. The law of cause and effect applies and nature will eventually cleanse the rot and we will have to learn the hard way.

  70. I’m a Canadian living in Melbourne (unfortunately) and I can assure you that compared to Canadian cities Melbourne is indeed a dirty, dreary, drab, run down, brown dump of a city. The suburbs are especially nasty- nothing at all like the green, leafy, manicured suburbs you generally find in Canada. Just a sea of drab, shitty brown brick homes and yards. The amount of anti social behavior is beyond belief- the graffiti, the littering, the vandalism, the drunken violence is far beyond anything seen in any Canadian city. The weather is absolutely horrible; public transport is third world; traffic is beyond a nightmare. the health care system is awful, and everything is sooooo expensive. A truly awful place.

  71. Not from Sydney, northern nsw, stunned by the Sydney and Adelaide hatng, but worse is the road behaviour, an ignoramus was blasting his horn at a new migrant and screaming obscenities out his window, so I went over, said calm down mate, it’s 3 seconds you’ve lost, I got the rest of his tyraid. Smiled and tried to engage with numerous people, came to the conclusion that every single comment above about melbawn is spot on, what an embarrassment this place is. Melbawn attitude does exist and the superiority attitude has me bafflee, it’s a shithole, for me Brisbane eats it up and spits it out. It doesn’t even rate with Sydney except as a migrant dumping ground and traffic capital. The reality and the illusion are miles apart.

  72. LOL, I live in Melbourne and have for 40 years. It was a nice city to live in…now, forget it. Its a boring and dangerous city. Constant reports of Home invasions by gangs gone wild with no fear of police or the law. Car jackings, a countless number of stabbings, gun realted violence is on the increase. Retails is crap now. All the great shopping strips are now just full of try hard cafes, too many fucking reasturants…and most are just passable. We have been overrun by international chain stores and there are shitty looking apartment blocks popping up as far as the eye can see. I am making plans to leave after living here all my life. People here are relatively friendly but fuck they are all sheep. Dont bother coming to Melbourne….it’s totally shit now

    • Melbinnnnnnn

      I live in Melbourne too and agree it’s total and utter shit.. There’s not much too add… other than agree with above posters – has got to be the most boring, overrated place

  73. I’ve lived in Melbourne for 40+ years. It’s a mean grey city full of mean-spirited self-important tossers. It must be the effects of the weather, which really is as bad as everyone says it is. As soon as I’m able to retire, I’m off to FNQ where I escape annually for a spell to get away from this place.

  74. I moved to Melbourne aka Gotham City earlier this year from Sydney, and this page and its comments are totally bang-on. If the endless winter and wacky weather doesn’t send you into a depression, the lousy transport (poor value-for-money with aggressive tram overpolicing) and people (cold and flaky at best) will drive you into outright aggression. I’ll be able to leave in three months, and am making a beeline straight back to Sydney. Sydney’s far from perfect, but at least it has better transport coverage (including an airport train, something Melbourne isn’t even close to building), a more-sensible ticketing system, and beautiful natural features. All the things that people say are “great” about Melbourne – food, art, culture – are man-made….and what man creates, man can re-create….

    One other observation – on this site’s Sydney page, there are only 3 comments from 2016. The Melbourne page has 30+ comments!! Let that one sink in, Melbourne cheerleaders….

  75. I really love this page, it totally sums up Melbourne in every possible way!

    Thank god we don’t have to live in this dump of a city anymore OMG what a miserable and stressful place to live. It bored the crap out of us, went to the same bars, same restaurants or they call them “Melbourne Institutions”, hearing Melbournians whinge and complain all day long about everything possible. I always wondered too, why do they brag about their dull and pathetic city oh it because they have to justify why they live there….

    Now we have moved away we now have to deal with them coming up to BNE. All they do is go on about how hot it is or we might have an occasional cloudy day and they complain because it is not perfect weather. Oh gee sorry about that Melbourne, it actually baffles me because they endure a year of cold and shit weather! So back to what I have to listen to whilst they are, every minute is constantly comparing MEL to BNE and to all of the other cities “Melbourne this Melbourne that” why don’t you just shut up and embrace other cities!!! They complain about how we don’t have this and “we don’t have and we don’t have that” it is bloody exhausting it has made me hate Melbourne even more because of these people and I now I look at them and think who do you think you are! I feel like telling them to piss off and go back if you think that BNE and SYD are that bad! It is like listening to a broken record, I also love it when they come to BNE or the Gold Coast they always have to have their noses in the air and sound like pretentious snobs and tell everyone that they are from Melbourne um who friggen cares!!!!

    Thank god we live up here now and don’t have to deal with that chaotic and depressing weather, horrendous traffic, AFL AFL AFL AFL AFL AFL AFL talk no one cares, constant crime, graffiti and gangs. Adios and all the best Melbourne and to those who live in its pathetic and boring bubble! We feel so much more connected to Sydney, Australia in fact the entire world again thank god we are out.
    We love BNE you are a beautiful and friendly city and keep doing what you are doing!

  76. Denise O'Meara

    Oh what a superb write up Allana! Couldn’t agree more with your comments. Have you got room for 1 more Melbourneite who loathes and detests EVERYTHING about Melbourne. if I HAD MY TIME AGAIN, I WOULD never LIVE IN SUCH A SHITFUL, MORONIC SMALL 3RD CLASS TOWN CALLED MELBOURNE

    • Thanks Denise, of course and I so hear what you are saying. It’s a shame as I never hear people from Perth or Sydney go on about how amazing they are or hate on every other city. They even compare their dark and dingy bars to what NYC and Europe has and I am like wtf! No way and never compare your city to these amazing international cities. It cracks me up to that they think they made places like Perth and Surfers Paradise like they influence these and mould these places lol! It’s only when I see them out of their Melbourne bubble, I think what a bunch of narrow minded morons. It’s a shame as it is so toxic and now that we are out we feel like we are finally living and a much better life. It might have been a good city back in the day but it has turned into hell. I hope you can move on one day too, life’s too short 😊

  77. Two months into spring and it still feels like winter, windy wet & miserable. Only people who grew up in Melbourne think the weather here is tolerable.

    • Vanishing man

      Or people who migrated from some insane hell-hole. Anything is better I guess.

      To be fair Melbourne is “liveable”. It has reasonable population size and is a modern functional city so there are jobs. Thus far it is reasonably affordable if you shop around.

      The trouble is it has many very annoying features. The most liveable??? No, sorry. Get real.

      The weather is just incredibly annoying, way too much of the time. AFL obsession is just incredibly tedious and everywhere, unless you are a brainwashed from birth true beleiver. The abundant cliquey weirdos, the pretentious plastic twits, the abundant scum bags and the criminals just grind down your faith in humanity. A lot of the city is an ugly eye sore.

      The winter is mostly a chilly solid grey downer that intensifies the grubby look of the place.

      There are too many drug-fucked ferals. Sooner or later one will cross your path and leave an indelibly shitty or scary memory.

      It is common to see faeces left on toilet seats in workplaces and public toilets. WtF??? People openly pick their noses and sneeze over everyone on public transport.

      The public transport is quite ubiquitous and I find it is quite easy to get around a lot or the city and metro surrounds. However, it has many annoying glitches. Train and tram drivers mumble incoherent announcements leaving everyone bewildered. The LED signs on trains or at train stations are too often totally misleading or just surreally F’d up. I feel sorry for visitors to the place.

      • Yeah agree. I’m pissed off but relieved to actually catch my plane after catching a train to flinders st in good faith that the fucking led sign was correct I.e express to flinders st from Moorabbin (moronabin) but to my horror it stopped at all stations. Do people who work in infrastructure in that shit hole actually give a fuck or are they so drug fucked that they don’t function at work. It’s such an annoying place.
        You often see people on TV in a remote part of the world being interviewed answering the interviewers question about where they are from with a proud ‘Melbourne’ in response – as if it is some internationally famous location like New York or Paris…vulgar .. or as if Melbourne is somehow above the station of Australia – why not just say Australia. Overseas people don’t give a fuck where you live in Oz. Shouldn’t identifying as simply Australian be enough because people admire you for simply being a citizen of this great country – excluding Victoria of course.
        I reckon melbourne should be bulldozed and all melbournians sent to Tasmania for rehab.

  78. Absolutely Melbourne which the most seriously-arrogant city in the world.Too serious.
    Serious Melbourians love Kmart and that’s probably all they know and living about.

    • Yeah if say it is the most liveable. Drugs are everywhere you can’t say it’s solely a Melbourne problem.. Melbourne is a great city!

  79. Number 1 if you have lived in a city hell hole previously. You just don’t know any better. Ignorance is bliss.

  80. Don’t bother with Swan Street Richmond(or Cremorne as the yuppy snob exiles from Toorak & Malvern call it). No genuine food shops left, all over-rated expensive yuppy cafes, with common over-priced shit, that could be bought in the CBD for half their asking price.The Greek cake shop on Coppin St, is over priced, only aimed at yuppies now. Dimmeys also now gone, replaced by Coles (sic..) Bridge Rd full of empty shops & druggies. When Vlado the restaurant owner died..a part of Richmond died with him..give Richmond & the rest of the City of Yarra a miss, no longer funky or cool, just full of junkies & dull phoney, provinvcial yuppies. Only this old school milk bar on Rowena St(near the MCG) seems the only ‘real McCoy’ eating place left in Richmond.(& the City of Yarra)

  81. Samantha Jayne

    Melbourne is such a disappointment to Australia!

    If you are from Melbourne and have never left Melbourne to actually see what else this country has to offer i suggest you do !!

    You will be surprised on how much you’ve wasted years fighting through drunken dickheads outside clubs and bars feeling a threat by them , living amongst filthy streets that smell of shit!, putting up with 4 seasons a day(with a occasional flooding every couple of months even in the middle of (Summer) where the city fills up of water and all the surige from the drains rise to the surface such as human feases and other diseases fill up in and around Melbourne streets/ outside your front doorstep , beaches and pathways so pretty much if there is a flood in Melbourne put on a pair of gumboots to prevent yourself from getting seriously ILL walking in shit with soggy wet shoes Yuck”!!!! To find parking in a common shopping centre that’s supposed to be the best shopping centre in the whole of Melbourne Chadstone is a freaking night mere around Christmas time the whole of Melbourne go here and drive around for hours fighting of car space how pathetic! And to even go to a half decent beach in Melbourne on the couple of days it’s actually hot you have to travel 1 hour out of the Melbourne to even go to a beach that’s half decent because the beaches close by are like a surage lake full of rubbish and who knows what”! The traffic the streets the trams the trucks to drive in Melbourne is one big fucking mess, so confusing and always congested everyday!!

    So get yourself out of this trash can city #Melbin

  82. I’ve lived in this hole for 25 years and somehow I’ll survive this place if I don’t get shot by a Sudanese criminal gang member and move north when I retire in 10 years; not sure if I can last here that long, in fact, there is no way I could. The locals are appallingly rude with an attitude like no other. The older Melbournians are absolutely vile.

  83. Melbourne has seriously gone to shit. It was shit when I left here in 2012. I’ve seen better airports in the third world. They have poorly attempted to mimic Sydney’s T1, T2 etc wtf has T got to do with whether you fly virgin Jetstar Qantas or tiger. It’s a miserable 500m walk along the facade to find your airline. Pathetic. No info people within cooee.
    The filthy Yarra ‘river’ where people aspire to live near.
    Residential developments over look railway networks.
    Everywhere you go someone’s got their hand in your pocket.
    The government is corrupt.
    The list goes on.
    I’m just glad to get the fuck out of there now.

  84. have you ever noticed when a vic is out of their shithole state they have to throw in that “they’re from victoria” in any and all conversations?
    NO ONE GIVES A FUCK. EXCEPT YOU, DICKHEAD!

  85. Dr David PHD

    Melbourne is becoming more & more like Chicago every day, a very mean, nasty hell hole of a city. My brother Stephen promotes this “Polish Modern” crap that’s passed off as award winning architecture. Sure lots of places overseas(especially in today’s Europe) are becoming worse, but Melbourne was total provincial colonial crap to begin with!

  86. Where on earth do they get this ‘coffee culture capital of the world’ nonsense from? I haven’t seen any coffee bean farms while driving out Melbourne so far. Do they mean coffee importing capital? Because I’ve yet to visit any other city in the world that dosnt have coffee shops.

    Wearing all black, drinking coffee and eating $26 bowls of spaghetti in a lanway cafe while talking about foreign films dosn’t make you cultured, it makes you pretentious. I’m almost bowled over backwards when one of these self-important wankers tries to compare Melbourne to NYC, Paris, Italy, or any other historic city with a real culture. Maybe Melbournes problem is that they spent so much time trying to emulate other cultures that they forgot to develop one of their own.

    I once heard someone describe street art as ‘distinctly melbourne.’ Yes, congratulations, you are the only city in the world with 16 year olds and cans of spray paint. Is that why you painted over a Banksy? Because you love street art so much? Or do you prefer whatever so called ‘artist’ tagged the word AIDS on the train I took to work this morning.

    As an Irish immigrant I can’t leave out that their beloved immigration museum is the most offensive thing I have ever seen. Going through reading the timeline of all the people/entire countries they banned from Australia is sickening enough, but the fact that they are so proud of it they made an entire museum celebrating it is depraved. Although I shouldn’t be surprised seeing how much they hate anyone not from Melbourne.

    Their cult of AFL would be fine if they didn’t feign horror when you mention you don’t follow it. They don’t seem to realise no other country in the world watches it. I didn’t hear many mentions of it in Sydney or Perth either so it dosnt seem to have even made it over the Victorian border, Yet I had it shoved in my face everywhere I turned in Melbourne. They’ve even built their stadiums right next to the city centre so god forbid you have to drive somewhere after a game has finished, sat in traffic for hours forced to watch heards of them in their team scarves and beanies breathing in their own smugness.

    God forbid you ever mention to someone from Melbourne that you weren’t that impressed and burst their bubble that the whole world is admiring them and their lack of a single recognizable landmark.

  87. The thing is Melbourne has always been 10 years behind Sydney. First visited 30 years ago and the place was basically Greek. Now being 10 years behind the unlivable Sydney that is choking on avarice and driving economic refugees south is not such a bad thing. Sure who cares about coffee, the point is Melbournians still find time to relax and drink it. Melbourne was built on a concrete slab and Sydney was built on paradise but the project of paving it to put up a parking lot continues apace. Melbourne may be bleak but its relatively civilised by global standards and the most civilised Australian metropolis (which, yes, isn’t saying much).

  88. Mmm, I think it’s fair to say Melbourne, with its somewhat laughable tag as “world’s most liveable city” that good ole is more likely “world’s most overrated city”. I come across this the other day an FB, that puts things into perspective, and also a but of a laugh. https://www.facebook.com/Opposing-everything-because-Im-from-Melbourne-1571492209530380/

  89. Mmm, I think it’s fair to say Melbourne, with its somewhat laughable tag as “world’s most liveable city” that good ole Melbourne is more likely “world’s most overrated city”. I come across this the other day an FB, that puts things into perspective, and also a bit of a laugh. https://www.facebook.com/Opposing-everything-because-Im-from-Melbourne-1571492209530380/

  90. Melbourne is a great place to come to top yourself

  91. You’re all so sad. Get a life

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